This is how I imagine George Osborne's chat with his speech-writers went this morning. Maybe I'm being unfair.
No doubt a lot of the really gritty stuff is lying buried at the back of Budget Note Z15 but, in the spirit of instant gratification, let's talk about some highlights of the speech.
Fuel Duty
Fuel duty wasn't frozen, it was reduced by 1p! Gasp. And a "fair fuel stabiliser" has been introduced, the mechanisms of which seem to operate so that oil companies subsidise any fuel duty increases under the escalator when prices are high. Hopefully this will go some way towards reducing inflation and general misery and, for those of you who drive, will be a nice treat next time you fill up your tank (provided you wait until after 6pm tonight).
Corporation Tax
Another mini-surprise, but not that surprising on reflection. The Tories are very keen on Britain being "Open for Business!", and a low rate of corporation tax is part of their vision. At the moment, apparently, we have the sixth highest rate of corporation tax in Europe. George wants us to have the "most competitve tax system in the G20" and, to that end, the corporation tax rate will be reduced by 2% (as opposed to the originally planned 1%) from April, and then by 1% for the next two years, bringing it down to 23%.
Investment Incentives
Increases in entitlements for entrepreneur's relief, the Enterprise Investment Scheme and research and development tax credits are all pretty good news for small businesses and investors. As is the implementation of the Enterprise Zones (which won't directly benefit Scotland, but could catch on here). So much so that I can't think of anything snarky to say.
Personal Taxes
The personal allowance will increase as planned in April, and then again to £8,105 from 2012. For most taxpayers this means more cash in hand, but they'll probably end up spending it on their electricity bills.
The merger of national insurance and income tax is going forward for consulation. The Chancellor has confirmed that NICs won't apply to other forms of income, so in theory it shouldn't be more punitive.
Confusingly, though, he is also consulting on reform of the state pension, which would be based on contributions. Is this the first step in a long process whereby we end up paying NICs on TOP of 32% income tax? Probably.
Oh, and quite a few readers will be distraught to hear that Air Passenger Duty is going to become chargeable on private jets. *passes Kleenex*
Tax simplification
If you own a set of orange and yellow handbooks, you won't be surprised to hear that we now have the lengthiest tax code in the world (having recently overtaken India, apparently). Apparently this Budget will remove 43 "complex reliefs" and reduce tax legislation by 100 pages. Taking 100 pages out of that lot is, to use the polite vernacular option, a drop in the ocean, but it's certainly a step in the right direction. The
And the highlights of Ed Milliband's rebuttal? I have no idea. When he got to the "Norman Lamont with an iPod" bit I had to go and be sick.
Poor Ed.